Welcome to the NEW Setting Boundaries Books Website and the SANITY Support Blog
Welcome to the first “official” post on the new SANITY Support blog!
After a great deal of prayer and planning, I’m excited to announce the launch of the brand new Setting Boundaries Books website and blog, designed to communicate with readers and help spread the message of SANITY. In addition to sharing my perspective on boundaries, I’ll be posting a lot of content directly from the hundreds of email letters I’ve received, and I hope you’ll join me in sharing your thoughts, feelings, insight, and opinions about this hot-button topic of setting boundaries. We’ll build our SANITY Support community via the comment section at the end of every post.
You can subscribe to the RSS feed for my blog at the right side of this page so you won’t miss a thing!
Many of you know that it’s been a season of changes and challenges in my life these past few years. I’m not going to belabor you with all the details of my journey since I moved to Texas from Minnesota back in August of 2007, but suffice it to say that life today is nothing like I expected it to be. But hey, whose life hasn’t been changing and challenging? It seems virtually everyone I know has been going through some type of significant trial or tribulation, can you relate? Does it seem that way to you as well?
Issues concerning the economy, jobs, and financial security (or insecurity in many instances) abound. Our relationships are being tested tremendously, and in many cases our emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health has been compromised.
And then there’s the growing concern about our adult children…and grandchildren…or about other difficult people in our lives. It seems everywhere we turn we are being faced with boundary-setting choices.
Join me in making 2012 the year that SANITY makes a comeback in our lives!
Allison and Chris on Christmas Day, 2011 at church!
The photo above was taken two weeks ago on Christmas Day when my son and I attended church together. Many of you have read about Chris in the first book in the Setting Boundaries™ series, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children-Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents, a book that was born from years of painful valley experiences. This past year I’ve seen Chris continue to stay drug-free, complete his 18-month parole, and move into his own apartment this past October. Setting healthy boundaries with our adult kids does not mean we give up on them! It means we change the way we respond to their choices. It means we find SANITY and take back our own lives. It means we learn to love our adult children with open arms.
I’m excited to see what God is going to do as we begin to build a community of readers who will support, encourage, and empower one another on the journey to set healthy boundaries and find SANITY!
Thousands of people around the world have embraced the Six Steps to SANITY. You can read some of their true story testimonials here.
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If you’ve read any of the books I’ve written in the Setting Boundaries ™ series from Harvest House Publishers over the past several years, you already know quite a bit about me. Even more so if we go back to the days I was writing and editing books in my God Allows U-Turns anthology. However, if this is our first meeting you can read more about me and the books I’ve written by clicking on my photo below, there’s also a You Tube video clip from my interview on the 700 Club that encapsulates my testimony.
But reading about me isn’t 
what this new blog is all about.
SANITY is Making a Comeback!
The issue of setting healthy boundaries touches every one of us every single day of our lives.
We all struggle at one time or another with challenging relationships that have weak or non-existent boundaries at their roots, and we can all use the Six Steps to SANITY to find hope, healing, and freedom in any of those relationships.
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SANITY is possible, and I want to help you find it!
I just finished writing the 4th book in the series; Setting Boundaries with Food, talk about a challenging relationship! Who doesn’t struggle with what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and why the heck are we eating again?
Setting Boundaries with Food will release this summer, and we’ll be talking more about this topic and about weight every Wednesday here on the SANITY Support blog. Make sure to check out the mind-boggling before and after photos of Beverly Eden our VIP guest blogger! My before and after photos are also online, did you know that I lost 120 pounds?
In closing, what is your setting boundaries story? I’d love to hear what you think and feel about this topic, and what you’d like to see on the SANITY Support blog. Please introduce yourself and share your opinions and insight in the comment section below.
God bless and keep you,
Allison
I just got your book today on setting boundaries with adult children, and finished it in about 4 hours. My son is in jail right now. I realized I am an enabler and codependent when I read “Codependent no More” but while that book pointed me in the right direction by showing me the truth, I found your book to be very enlightening as to what to do about it other than just being told to stop. I dont know what to do about him getting out of jail since he has nowhere to go and wants to come to my house. Is this the time to say no, find your own way? Or do I bring him here and give him a time frame? How do I make that decision? I need a support group. Where do I find one in my area? If anyone wants to email me my email is branches_99@yahoo.com. I need help and advice to implement this SANITY process. Please help
This is such a familiar situation for me, and I’m sure for other parents as well. Only you can know if this is the time to say “no,” but in my experience I’ve found that my son grew stronger in his own faith and in walking his own Damascus road journey when he had to fully accept the consequences of his actions and be fully responsible for making the “next step choices” in his own life. Every time I swooped in to make it “easier on him,” I was robbing him of the lesson God wanted to teach him through the trial and tribulation. Melinda, there are so many variables in this particular situation, such as how often this has happened and how repentant your son truly is about the choices he made that landed him in jail.
All that aside, if you decide to give him the opportunity–the gift–of allowing him to return to your home (and it is a gift, NOT your obligation) my key advice is that BEFORE he is permitted to do so that you present him with a WRITTEN “Covenant Agreement” that specifically outlines the boundary regulations that will exist if he chooses to live under your roof. He needs to understand this Agreement and be willing to follow it (even more important, YOU need to be willing to enforce the consequences if he doesn’t follow it). You BOTH need to sign it BEFORE HE RETURNS HOME. I will send you a copy of the “Covenant Agreement” my son signed when he was being released from prison and I gave him the opportunity to do his 18-month parole under my roof. It was his CHOICE….abide by these agreements or choose to live elsewhere.
Your son may say that he “has no choice,” but that isn’t true. There are many shelters, rehab centers, inmate support groups, and such that he can seek out. If you weren’t in the equation what would he do? This is a difficult position for a parent and my heart aches for you. But God is good and just and able to do mighty things in your son’s life AND IN YOUR LIFE AS WELL. How and what does God want YOU to learn from this experience? It’s hard to do, I know, but take the focus OFF of your son’s drama, chaos, and crisis and ask God to reveal how He wants you to live as His daughter.
At church today the Pastor spoke on Matthew 11:28-30 and I’ll close with this now, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
We all need SANITY support, and my prayer is that within this blog community we can come together to glorify God and find that “rest for our soul.”
God bless you, Melinda, please keep posting. And if anyone out there can relate or can share with Melinda, please post your comment.
Thank you for replying. No he wants me to bond him out of jail, he says his lawyer is not doing his job and he cant fight from in there. Bond is 500.00. I have it but it would be a hardship. He has been in jail several times and I have bailed him out a few of those times. I wish I could hear God clearly as to whether this is a ploy or not. He says he has been reading his bible and that he has honestly changed, but he has used the “God card” before. I am under a lot of fear this night about telling him no and I do not know where this fear is coming from.
Please if anyone is on here this morning, please pray for me. I need peace, clarity and a clear answer. I have learned so much reading the book about adult children, also one called “Who’s pulling your strings” and another called “The emotionally destructive relationship” yet I have this gripping fear of telling him no. I want to do whats best for both of us without him feeling like he is abandoned and alone.
How well I know the feeling of fear…and it’s a real and present danger when we have kids who make choices that put them behind bars…..
When I made the choice NOT to bail Chris out of jail he found someone who would…and then he also made the choice to attend his sentencing hearing on his own which resulted in almost 5-years behind bars. All of this contributed to his growing realization that it was his choices, and not mine, that he needed to accept the consequences for.
I’m praying for you to find peace of mind in how you should respond. Remember that love is not spelled M-O-N-E-Y, and if you don’t feel at peace in bailing him out that doesn’t mean you don’t love him.
Remember how God used Paul (Saul) to change the lives of so many people, but he first had to walk a painful and dangerous Damascus road before that could happen.
While Paul’s mother may have been gripped with fear at the choices he was making, does the Bible tell us that she swooped in to protect him from walking that road?
I’m praying you will find SANITY in this insane situation of life. That you will know how much God loves you AND your son.
“I want to do whats best for both of us without him feeling like he is abandoned and alone.”
Ah, yes, that’s me! Well, I finally figured out my son and daughter don’t mind one bit when I feel abandoned and alone. They are usually the cause of it! And I suspect you’ve been there plenty of times! I’ve even justified giving in to them because if they treat me this badly when I’m nice to them, I couldn’t imagine what they’d behave like if I didn’t give them everything they asked for. I finally got to the point that was abusive back to them in emails! NOT the right answer..letting go of them is HARD! But there is no other choice for me. It’s even harder when dealing with real NASTY physical problems as they just heap more pain on top of it. I was so desperate that I broke all my own rules by calling them nasty names and telling them how much they’d hurt me….until I realized I’d been doing that for years with no change from them. They know if they can keep me upset by calling me crazy, lying about me to anyone dumb enough to listen, they can manipulate me any way they want.
Trying to break the ‘bad grown kid’ habit!
wow, so glad to have found this web site and hearing you talking on full circle Allison. I have just had to move out of my house two months ago that i bought in Nov. 2010….my 36 yr. old son, his fiancee and my two grand daughters now ages 3 and 1 1/2 moved in with me because my son’s income is only 1700.00 a month, can’t efford to rent anything and survive with his family ….renting anything for a family of 4 starts of at 1000.00 a month. My son and his fiancee have been so dis-respectful to me, been very very verbally abusive….they have both used the swear words at me….i have helped them out so much in 2005 ….i have helped my son out all of his life because yes something real bad happened to him when he was about 14 and i have blamed myself for it all of my life.
My son’s fiancee and my son have screemed at me and told me to shut the F$%&# up in my own house, they have told me i am crazy and need to see a doctor for my mind, they have told people that i am a drug addict and drunk(which are all lies) they are trying to take my house from me have me sign papers stating they own half my house, …it’s got to the place where i had to move out and let them be in my house , (they only pay me half of the mortgage) and the only reason for that is because my grand children, i dont’ want tosee them suffer because of my son and his fiancee childish abusive behaviour. Now i feel like i am stuck, because if it were not for my grand daughters, my son and his fiancee would be out on the street, because i would have kicked them out!!!
They are now using and have in the past also…punished me by NOT ALLOWING me to talk to see my grand daughters …i am very very close to them because they have lived with me for over a yr. plus i have baby sat a lot when she has been working and even when the mom and dad is at home i have spend much time playing with my grandkids, taking them to the park etc…..
I must say that sometimes i hate my son and his fiancee for the evil they are doing to me and pain they are causing me and the pain they are causing their girls by now allowing them to see me. I was the only grand parent involved in their lives….now they have no grand parents involved in their lives. Somedays i just break down crying cause the pain is soooo hurtful that i just break down and can’t stop crying for hours…then i have to let it go again, because it will ruin my health, which it has in the past. I have not talked to my grand daughters for over a month now and have not seen them, it’s tearing me apart. They tell me i have to say sorry to them(son and his fiancee) if i want to see my grand daughters, i know it’s a form of them controling me again, and i have nothing to say sorry about because i have not done anything wrong…I pray and pray and pray that God will give me the strength every day to get by another day and remove the pain in my heart….please i need a support group to go to, i have been looking for one for long time now…
diana
Wait! Am I understanding that you moved out of your own home to allow your abusive son and his fiancee to live there?
When you say they “are now using,” I’m going to interpret this to mean they are using drugs. This is illegal and when we enable our adult children by ignoring illegal behavior we are in essence sanctioning that behavior. See pages 137-138 in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, and also read Chapter Four.
Using grandchildren as pawns in the cycle of dysfunction is a sad situation. Unfortunately, it happens all too often.
However, there is a greater issue of priority, and that is the protection of your grandchildren. I would suggest that you contact the local authorities in your city (Child Protective Services) to see what your legal rights are insofar as protecting the minor age children. If their parents are using drugs this is not a good environment for the children and you have a responsibility to protect them.
But…it also appears that you need some good legal counsel as well. Your emotions are all tied up in a situation that is affecting not only your quality of life, but your financial health and future as well. Please seek the counsel of a legal professional and is there a Christian counselor nearby you can speak with as well? Or a Pastor?
How about starting a SANITY Support group in your local area….you might be surprised how many people are going through the same things…you are not alone.
Try not to make decisions in the heat of emotion, Diana. Practice the Six Steps to SANITY, starting with “S”… STOP, Step Back, and seek wisdom and discernment from God and from others.
I’m praying for you.
Allison
I am so glad that I found your book. As I, too, am dealing with a 24 year daughter whom I have enabled for years. I came from an alcoholic background, so I learned how to be an enabler at an early age. My husband died 4 years ago and it was easier to “enable” than to deal with her issues. And now I am paying for all of thse behaviors.
I recently wrote her a letter asking for forgiveness because my need to enable has caused her harm in learning how to grow up and accept responsibility for her own life. I also told her that my life has been totally enmeshed in hers, since I no longer have the life I used to have, since my husband died.
I am in process of writing out a contract,. But my big problem is college loans. She borrowed $30,000 and I co-signed it during my grief. And my financial adviser told me I should pay it off, as the interest rate is 12.8% (I hate banks for taking advantage of our youth!) and then he told me that I should re-write my will and take that money out of the my inheritance (IF I have any money left when I die….) And plus he told me that once she defaults they will come after me and my credit will be affected. And I am seriously considering doing just that. But I am so distraught and have been so “emotionally unstable” in dealing with all of my daughters issues of lying, stealing, cheating, etc. That sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy!
You also stated that we should begin working on finding a life for ourselves. I don’t even know how to do that.
What life? My wonderful husband of 30+ died at 57 and I am a retired flight attendant and feel like I want to die as well. I don’t have a church family since Steve died. I want to start a SANITY support group, as many of my friends have told me they know others in my same situation.
Could you give me information on how to start a Support Group. I am in desperate need of others to talk to and to try to get a life without the pain of dealing with my daughters crazy issues. I fear that she many also suffer from a Anti social Personality Disorder, that you talk about in your book and I feel like this makes my issues in dealing with her 10x worse!
thanks for listening,
Mary jo
Mary Jo:
I’m so sorry that this comment slipped through the cracks, please forgive me! (Actually, this entire thread of multiple comments slipped through the cracks and I’m horrified that I didn’t respond.) Please, can you share an update?
I’ve been hard at work on revising the SANITY Support study guide and it will be going to the publisher next week, and available mid-August for purchase online. I’d like to help you start a SANITY Support group in your area, let’s talk soon, okay?
Allison
Hello Allison,
would you be willing to send me a copy of the contract you had when your son returned home?
taratuchel@sbcglobal.net
Thank you so much,
Tara
Yes ma’am, I sent it earlier today. I’m going to post this template on the Free Stuff page soon. It’s always a good idea to put your plans in writing…it’s amazing how often our adult children don’t quite hear what we’re saying. Having it in writing helps both parties to know what was said and agreed upon. The tough part is making sure to follow up with the established consequences…so be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say.
I need some advice. In the past couple of months my Son has changed into a person I do not know. He has left his wife and children for another women whom I do not even know her last name. He has disconnected from the family stopped taking our phone calls and has not seen his children. He has 3 children by two women. I have read your book and put him on the alter before God like Abraham did with Issac. My question is the grandchildren. My daughter-in law moved in with her Mother and Grandmother. She has asked if I want to take the kids this weekend. I saw them a couple of weeks ago and am struggling with whether I should stand in the gap for my Son while he is MIA or not. I have prayed about it and what to be in Gods will on this situation and not let my person take control which I tend to do. My son did see his children with my prompting two weeks ago and was clear with me he was not ready to see them and cried most of the time (what little time he spent with them.) He then lashed out at me telling me I was controlling and manipulative and that he hated me and the family. I was so hurt. I did have some of the problems with him in his teenage years that are described in your book and have helped his family out financially a couple of times. He quit drinking when his second child was born and even went to see a therapist when he and his wife where having problems. I am at such a loss as how to handle this situation. My main question is should I take my grandchildren every two weeks to keep a connection with their fathers family or am I just allowing myself to be controlled and manipulated in this situation?
Dayna,
My heart aches for you and for your precious innocent grandchildren. It is a wonderful thing that your daughter-in-law is willing to allow you to see your graadchildren, I hear from many parents in this similar situation who are denied the abillity to see their grandkids. That said, I would advise you to pray for wisdom and discernment to understand your motivation for seeing or not seeing your grandkids. You’ve laid your adult son on the altar and that is a wise thing to do, all you can do is pray for him. But would seeing your grandchildren be “standing in the gap” for him, or allowing you to continue your own relationship with them? That is what I mean by examining your own motivation. Take your son out of the picture entirely … do you want to be a loving influence on your grandkids and have a role in their lives? Or, do you feel as though you cannot maintain contact with them considering the circumstances? How are you being controlled and manipulated by seeing your grandkids every two weeks? It’s YOU who would be seeing them and building YOUR relationship with them, right? Or do you see yourself acting as a mediator for your son so he can see them (if he wants to) during the times they are with you.? Ask God to give you clear discernment for the role He wants you to take in your grandchildrens lives.
My 20 year old son is living under a bridge 20 miles from my house. We have been struggling with his behavior for four years and I am so tired of crying! PLEASE HELP ME! My husband and I have stopped enabling, and I know that is the right thing- But my heart is broken and I am hurting. The idea that he is literally living under a bridge- when I hardly thought it would come to this- is consuming me!!
I went to see him when I heard where he was- I told him I would take him to the shelter- He refuses to go- I try to hug him and he pulls away. He doesn’t communicate very well now- broken thoughts and sentences. I think that is from the drugs.
I know he has to want to get help- But I NEED HELP TOO! No I am not a drug addict- I am a heartbroken mother who doesn’t know what to do to keep on living and stop crying so that I can be a good mother to the children who are still home.
Angel, I contacted you privately back in September but never heard back from you. I’m so sorry I didn’t respond publicly to your post. Were you able to connect with a supportive person or a group? I know the heartbreak you are feeling, as do countless other parents in pain. Please trust that God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. That isn’t just a religious platitude, or an “easy” way out. It’s the only way out of the darkness of despair a parent feels when their child is hurting. Please visit one of the newer posts on the Setting Boundaries blog for some resources that might be helpful. Even better, let me encourage you to connect with our 24/7 Facebook community where you can connect with other folks who are walking the SANITY journey. God bless and keep you, Angel, and please reconnect with me.
So Angel – what’s the latest?
Was on this site searching for support groups and it saddens me that I can find no information. Every search leads me nowhere, or just back to this site which seems to have gone cold too. I started reading this blog and got to Angel’s post and I felt so bad for her. She was reaching out, anywhere and everywhere, and I hope she got some support somewhere. I know the feeling all too well.
I think the Sanity plan is a good one, just like Tough Love was back it was active 15 years ago. Although it is hard to stop enabling, it is something you MUST do. It has taken me a long time to get my heart and brain fully and completely wrapped around this. My lack of action (or non-action) years ago has only allowed my adult daughter to keep doing what she’s always done. I continued to rescue her not as much for her anymore, but for my baby grandson. But it came to point that I had take her son from her because she was endangering him. I was being manipulated and it had to STOP. She is now in prison and when she is released, she will be homeless. No more contracts (been there, done that). If she has to live under a bridge, I will have to accept that. That is HER choice. There are other options out there. But SHE and SHE ALONE will have to figure out life for herself.
My only regret is I didn’t stop enabling long ago. She and my grandson both suffered and are still suffering from my “helping” which was really “enabling”.
Angel, I hope you read this so you will know that someone read your post. I hope you have found some support somewhere and found peace in your heart knowing that it was your son’s choice to live under the bridge. It is NOT YOUR FAULT he is there. His choices got him there, and his choices will decide his future. You can not make a drug addict stop taking drugs. No rehab, therapy, etc., etc., can make them change. They have to want to from within. Some never do. I spent 20 years trying to “fix” my daughter. It took a long time (and a lot of money) for me to finally realize that.
Best wishes to anyone who reads this.
A grandmother raising her 8 yr old grandson.
Hello Betty:
Thanks for your recent comment on my blog, and for reaching out to Angel. Although I did not respond to her comment, I did reach out to Angel privately, but alas I never heard from her. My prayer is that she was able to find help. I want to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, because it has helped me to learn that I always need to post publicly on comments. Thank you for holding me accountable. Thank you, also, for sharing the wisdom of your personal sanity journey with us. Setting healthy boundaries is easier when we can truly wrap our brains around the fact that (the majority of) our kids do have the freedom to make their own choices. Easier…but no less painful. The challenge comes when those free will choices are being made by someone who has been emotionally, mentally (and sometimes physically) damaged by the prior choices they have made. It’s a painful cycle of dysfunction that is heartbreaking to experience. It is only through God’s amazing grace and through His wisdom that we can know the steps we need to take in breaking free from the bondage of enabling and guilt. I’m praying for you, your grandson, and your daughter. God bless you.
Betty, I forgot to ask you what links you were using to find information about SANITY Groups and other helpful resources? My website is current and there is info on the SANITY Support page. Please let me know…thanks!