SANITY is what we gain when we shift our priorities and stop focusing on dieting, food, and on our weight—when we stop focusing on the problems of others, and on the situations and circumstances of life, and begin to focus on changing our own attitudes and behaviors—starting with our hearts.
SANITY is living in the peace that comes when we put our trust in God.
S – Stop your own destructive patterns. 
STOP repeating our destructive patterns.
STOP ignoring our personal issues.
STOP being alone in our confusion and pain.
STOP pushing God out of the picture.
A – Assemble a support group.
If you feel the need to communicate with other people in your same situation, ask God to open the door for you to get connected. God already knows the plans He has for you to be in fellowship with others. Ask Him to reveal that knowledge to you, praying for wisdom and discernment to walk boldly in God’s purpose.
N – Nip excuses in the bud.
There are so many different excuses for why we live in bondage to poor choices, challenging situations, and painful circumstances. Yet as different as the excuses are, many begin with the same two words—two words we need to ask God to help us remove from our vocabulary—two words that cut right to the heart of God, telling Him we do not believe His Word, and calling Him a liar—“I can’t.”
I – Implement a plan, define your boundaries.
Although we may not have been responsible for some of the things that happened to us in the past, we are responsible for our future, and our future depends on the choices we make today to take full responsibility for every aspect of who we are.
Hope lies in learning to depend on God and to make intentional choices that will change our lives and not just perpetuate the status quo.
T – Trust the voice of the Spirit.
The Bible teaches us in Proverbs 3:5–6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (NIV).
Trusting your spiritual intuition and not worldly lies, emotional uncertainly, or even the head knowledge you may have becomes more natural as we understand God’s truth and hide it in our hearts.
Y – Yield everything to God.
I have found that it’s often easy to see God in the exceptional things of life that make our spirits soar, or in the crisis situations that bring us to our knees. But it’s much more difficult to see God each and every day in the places in the middle, in the ordinary living of life; this requires a spiritual discipline that is beyond our human nature to acquire, a habit that can only come when we YIELD Everything to God and trust Him to be the Lord of our lives.
At some point, every Christian adult will have to release his or her problems to God and learn to trust Him for whatever happens.
Come near to God and He will come near to you. James 4:8 NIV
Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Food, Six Steps to Lose Weight, Gain Freedom, and Take Back Your Life by Allison Bottke © 2008. Harvest House Publishers. All rights reserved.
Visit the Setting Boundaries Books website today for more information.
I am reading your book setting boundaries with adult children for the second time. As I read I am shocked by how much my story is like yours. the only difference is I am still struggling with enabling my son. I know I need to let go and let God take control, but I keep taking it back. I am reading your book again in hopes that this time I will get stronger and do what I need to do. You have been an inspiration to me and given me hope. I can not thank you enough. I felt very alone until I read your book. Again, thanks
Kristy,
I understand your struggles completely! Apparently, I have enabled my son to make poor choices in his life also. As I sit here typing, he is incarcerated. It breaks my heart to leave him there and not bail him out, however, I believe it is for his own good. This time, I am taking care of me. I loved the Setting Boundaries book and have sent it to several others to hopefully help them help themselves. I have been unable to find a support SANITY group in Houston, but maybe one day!
Hello Nan: I’m so sorry to hear about your son, how is he doing? I’m not sure if there are any SANITY Support groups meeting in Houston, but I’d like to encourage you to pray about starting your own group. We have materials available to help group leaders and the only experience you need is to be willing to let God use you. My son has remained out of prison since his release in 2010, but it’s still a daily journey for me to not want to rescue him from some of the choices he is still making. Setting Boundaries for Women will release in August and I hope this newest book in the series will encourage and empower women to continue to walk in SANITY with the power of God. There’s no way I could do this on my own without God’s love and the power of His Word. Keep the faith and stop back to let us know how you are doing.
God bless you, Kristy, for your kind words. I sure know what you mean by feeling alone. But there are a lot of us out here who have seen the light and are doing our best to walk daily in SANITY. How are things going in your life now? It’s a one-day-at-a-time journey, but God will always make a way for us.
Christy, Nan, Marlene,
Like you, I have struggled endlessly to “fix” my son. I realize now, after doing lots of research, I have been the very definition of the term enabler. My 43 year old son has been putting me through a living hell since he was 15. Right now he is in an Arizona jail AGAIN, begging me to bail him out. He just finished a 14 month prison sentence a year and a half ago, the result me not stepping in. i mistakenly thought he had learned his lesson. After that, I reassembled his life for him. I realize that what I have done is to not let him suffer the consequences of his bad behavior.
Like you, the anxiety I feel is almost overwhelming. It is so hard not feel somewhat guilty, wondering what we did wrong. It’s hard to come to the realization that we have to somehow “let go” in order to save our sanity. I hope you can find peace someday, and not suffer for the amount of years I have.
Hello Karen: God bless you for your willingness to share your story and insight with us. It’s amazing how many of us think that “reassembling” our kids life is the answer. We hang on to the hope that, “maybe this time our help will actually help….” Alas, it seldom does. What helps the most, I’ve found, is to lean on the Lord and ask Him daily what it is He wants me to learn in this journey, and what does He really want me to do concerning my son. It’s very hard to be rational when all you know is how to be emotional. Please stop back and let us know how you are doing….and how is your son? I’m praying for you.
Dear Mylene, I’m so sorry I missed this post from you…how are you doing now? Please post an update and I promise I’ll respond quickly. My heart aches for you and I know firsthand what you are experiencing…many of us do. It’s very hard to watch the children we love accept the responsibility for their actions…but in many cases the lesson they need to learn is at the end of their ability to fully experience the consequences of their actions. Finding SANITY is a daily journey as we apply each of the six steps to SANITY to the choices we make. I’m praying for you, please stop back….
It started when my son was nine years old enable him thinking we were helping him he’s now 22 years old and the old patterned has come back from job corp and was hoping that would turn his life around it was just a lie to come back home I’m reading setting boundaries with your adult children hoping for a breakthrough from this painful situation can’t seem to talk to him without him making feel like its my husband and fault so I’m going to write him a letter what we want from him and we have a 7 year old daughter as well.