Today is Independence Day – July 4, 2011
Independence—freedom—has many faces.
Whether your child is eighteen or fifty, there are steps you can take to free yourself from the overwhelming bondage of guilt, fear, shame, anger, frustration, grief, and denial. You can get off the catastrophe carousel that has been spinning out of control for years. You can find hope and healing.
You can take back your life.
Parents, please realize you are not alone. Do not feel you are a “bad” parent when you do not give in to every request your adult child makes, especially concerning money. One of the greatest and most beloved men in history, Abraham Lincoln, had to apply tough love principles to a family member. Lincoln wanted his brother to experience independence, and to pass that experience on to his children as well.
As parents who love our children, we really do want to do the right thing—we always have—but what really is the right thing? For me, the right thing turned out to be far different than I ever imagined.
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is a book about tough love. It’s about coping with dysfunctional adult children, whether male or female, living with us at home or not. It’s about recognizing our own enabling patterns of behavior and how to finally stop the part we as parents play in the vicious cycle of repeated irresponsible behavior in our adult children.
On this our Independence Day, my prayer is that you will find freedom from the enabling epidemic that is sweeping our country. And like Abraham Lincoln, you will learn that one of the best things we can do is to say “no” with love.
God bless your journey as you set healthy boundaries and find S.A.N.I.T.Y. .
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children (2008) – Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents (2009) – Finding the Balance Between Burnout and Respect
Setting Boundaries with Difficult People (Fall 2011) – Six Steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y. for Challenging Relationships
A letter from Abraham Lincoln to his brother…
Washington, Dec. 24th, 1848.
Your request for eighty dollars, I do not think it best to comply with now. At the various times when I have helped you a little, you have said to me, “We can get along very well now,” but in a very short time I find you in the same difficulty again. Now this can only happen by some defect in your conduct. What that defect is, I think I know. You are not lazy, and still you are an idler. I doubt whether since I saw you, you have done a good whole day’s work, in any one day. You do not very much dislike to work, and still you do not work much, merely because it does not seem to you that you could get much for it. This habit of uselessly wasting time, is the whole difficulty; and it is vastly important to you, and still more so to your children, that you should break this habit. It is more important to them, because they have longer to live, and can keep out of an idle habit before they are in it easier than they can get out after they are in.
You are now in need of some ready money; and what I propose is, that you shall go to work, “tooth and nail,” for somebody who will give you money for it. Let father and your boys take charge of things at home—prepare for a crop, and make the crop; and you go to work for the best money wages, or in discharge of any debt you owe, that you can get. And to secure you a fair reward for your labor, I now promise you that for every dollar you will, between this and the first of next May, get for your own labor either in money or in your own indebtedness, I will then give you one other dollar. By this, if you hire yourself at ten dollars a month, from me you will get ten more, making twenty dollars a month for your work. In this, I do not mean you shall go off to St. Louis, or the lead mines, or the gold mines, in California, but I mean for you to go at it for the best wages you can get close to home, in Coles County.
Now if you will do this, you will soon be out of debt, and what is better, you will have a habit that will keep you from getting in debt again. But if I should now clear you out, next year you will be just as deep in as ever. You say you would almost give your place in Heaven for $70 or $80. Then you value your place in Heaven very cheaply, for I am sure you can with the offer I make you get the seventy or eighty dollars for four or five months’ work. You say if I furnish you the money you will deed me the land, and if you don’t pay the money back, you will deliver possession—Nonsense! If you can’t now live with the land, how will you then live without it? You have always been kind to me, and I do not now mean to be unkind to you. On the contrary, if you will but follow my advice, you will find it worth more than eight times eighty dollars to you.
Affectionately your brother,
The above letter written by Abraham Lincoln to his brother is in Public Domain.